The NFL and the NFL Players Association might combine to mess up one of the best aspects of American culture: professional football. Don't worry, when they're done maybe they'll try to fix these other staples which we really didn't realize were broken:
1. Godfathers I and II » The owners' suggestion? Remake the movie with Nathan Lane reprising Marlon Brando's role and Will Ferrell as Michael Corleone. The players head for the mattresses.
2. The weather in San Diego » Who knew that an average year-round temperature of 72 degrees needed fixing? We hear some owners, perhaps even Dan Snyder, like things a little hotter around the office. The players counter by saying that, yes, even adding only two degrees the weather would still be perfect. But that would leave them even more exposed to the sun.
3. Christmas morning » The players want all the Santas out there to spend a greater percentage of their income on gifts for the kids. And they want fewer chores for the rest of the year. That is all.
4. March Madness » Get ready for April Anger! The owners say that while March is the perfect month for the NCAA tournament, and that while interest is high and gobs of money is made, they want to add even more teams, perhaps watering the product down. Oh, wait, the NCAA already is trying to do this. Nevermind.
5. Popcorn and movies » The owners insist they can put more popcorn in the bag, with more butter too! What's not to like? On a separate note, movies will now cost 25 bucks a ticket.