So Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez will play for Tampa Bay next season. Are the Rays trying to re-create the 2004 Red Sox? If so, we have a few other moves that could help.
1. Bring Kevin Millar out of retirement » This is a guy who, while a member of the Orioles, threw out the first pitch of Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS between Boston and Cleveland. Give "Cowboy Up" a spring training invite and a shot of whiskey. He'll be there with bells on.
2. Install a bathroom in the outfield wall » First the Rays will have to build a big enough wall to house a bathroom. Then they'll have to play Ramirez out there (yikes!) and hope James Shields realizes someone's missing when Manny has to answer nature's call in the sixth inning. Fingers crossed.
3. Damon's beard » He shaved it while he was in New York per team policy, but we never forgot how ridiculous (re: awesome) Damon looked running down flyballs with a bird's nest attached to his face.
4. Sign Doug Mientkiewicz » The first baseman staged quite a coup when he played keep-away with the baseball following the final out of the '04 World Series. But at least he can make contact at the plate. In 12 pro seasons, Mientkiewicz has struck out only 472 times, roughly the equivalent of a week's worth of work for Carlos Pena.
5. Trade for Orlando Cabrera » Cabrera's arrival in Boston played a large role in the Red Sox winning the 2004 title. Still, at 36 he might not be able to handle playing shortstop full-time. We suggest a platoon system with archenemy Edgar Renteria. If nothing else, the postgame steel cage matches between the two will increase Tampa Bay's paltry attendance numbers.